female speaker: thank you alot for coming to our talk. it's my pleasure to introducetoday's distinguished guest speaker, dr. john gray, a greatauthor of the book "men are from mars, women are venus,"the best-selling relationship book of all years.
in women, he wrote 18 other books,and you can read about them on his website and his[inaudible] publications. and i won't keepyou longer, and i'll let john gray tospeak for himself
and share with youthe differences between the genders. thank you, john, for coming. john gray: thank youfor having me here. well, it's really funfor me to be at google, since i live on google. it's a researcher's dream tobe able to google everything instantly. you don't understandsomething, google it.
understand something, google it. i remember one of mymentors a long time ago was saying that if, whenyou're speaking, if you use one word that somebodycan't understand, then they tend to blank outon everything else you say. and one of the greatthings for google for me is i'll be readingresearch and this and this, and if a word comesalong i don't understand, i can immediately googlethat and come back.
because to trulyunderstand something, you have to actuallyunderstand every word. but we intuitively think we'regoing to get it at the end, but we don't. so in my message on"men are from mars, women are from venus," what's somuch fun for me is, typically, people can relateto the examples from your ownpersonal experience. so just to know you alittle bit as my audience
so i give the right talk, whohas read "men are from mars, women are from venus"? how many of you read it? so a lot of you haven't. ok, now, how many of you whohaven't have heard of it? so your parents read it, right? that was when i knewi was getting old, when people wouldcome up and they'd go, oh, i love your book,and my parents read it.
they started goingon walks together. they actually are somuch happier afterwards, so they thank me. and i said, well,when you get ready, you'll probably wantto read the book, too. so i'm going to give-- for thoseof you haven't read "men are from mars"-- some of the basicideas of that in our short presentation, and we'llalso have room for question and answers, if youlike to ask questions.
i'll also briefly talk aboutmy most recent book, which is called "work with me,"which is about 25 books later. i've applied theprinciples of understanding gender differencesin a positive way. because so much of thetime, when men and women show up differentlyin a relationship, we often have an intuitivereaction, which is wrong. how many of you have read thebook called "slow thinker, fast thinker"?
it was a good book,but it talks about most of our interpretationof reality is automatic, kind of like i know that thatbuilding's quite far away, and you're closer to me. and when we're in relationships,when our partners say or do things, we have anautomatic interpretation, which is oftenwrong, particularly when it's the opposite sex. so a lot of my ideas,i think the popularity
of "men are from mars"was that you really don't have to doanything to change your relationship to the better. because so many of theproblems that couples have in relationshipsis misinterpretation. and so if you can startto interpret a situation correctly, you findout the problem is not as big asyou thought it was. there's an oldeastern indian story
of the person who sees a snakeon the ground, and it's dark, and they start yelling andscreaming, snake, snake. and somebody turns on thelight, and it's a stick. so so many of the problemsi see with my couples as a marriage counselorare big problems to them, and then i explain it tothem, and it's a stick, and then you canwork with the stick. so in "work with me"--that's the second book i'll be briefly talking about.
that's my most recentpublished book. it talks about genderdifferences in the workplace, and how are these basic blindspots between men and women. and we teach throughhuman resources in different companies. we go in, and we do theseworkshops sometimes. and we did a survey ofover 100,000 men and women from workshops. so they filled out this surveybefore they took the course.
and we found that there arethese basic blind spots. there's eight that i focuson, but i'll mention one right now, which iswe asked the women, do you feel appreciatedin the workplace? and over half of thewomen felt they were not being appreciated by men. and then we ask the men,do you appreciate women in the workplace? and over 90% of mensaid, of course.
so that's a blind spot. men think that they'recommunicating appreciation, but women often notfeeling appreciated. and this gives rise to oneof the basic differences between men and women, whichis that women feel valued and appreciated whenyou know what they do. when a man gets paid, getacknowledged for the result-- good job, you did this, now youget this promotion or whatever. that makes a man feelvalued and appreciated.
acknowledge what i do. but for a woman, she wants to beacknowledged for what she does, but she also wants to be seen. she wants to be heard. she wants to be understood. and this was my first insightinto the world of "men are from mars, women are fromvenus"-- what was it-- over 30 years ago. before i realized it, beforei was even married to my wife.
we've been married 28 years. but helen is myassistant 30 years ago. and helen comes to me andsays she wants to quit. and i said, why wouldyou want to quit? you're the best. i just gave you a raise. you make as muchas me, basically. and she said, it'snot about the money. i just don't feel appreciated.
and i said, all right. well, hold on. why don't you feel appreciated? because i thought shewas a gift from heaven. and she said, well, john, youdon't even know what i do. and my reaction asa man was, that's why i appreciate you so much. and we laugh because wecan see the logic of that. of course.
i don't have to think. i don't have to plan. i don't have to do anything. she made all the arrangements. she put the money in the bank. she paid my bills. she organized my seminars. she handled all my clients. i just showed up at work andcounseled eight women today.
which, by the way, when "menare from mars" came out, everybody was so upset at me. some people still are. how do you know this? i said, well, mycredentials, basically, as a counselor-- how manymen have sat in a room and listened to women talk foreight hours a day for 10 years? you have to get paid a lotof money to do that job. so i said to her, justlet me-- she said,
you don't even know what i do. and so i caught on very quickly. i said, well, give mea week, and let's see. so helen continued towork for me for years. i just celebrated her birthdaywith her just recently. and all i did differently--and helen stayed with me and felt valuedand appreciated-- was i took five extra minutesa day to find out what she did. and once i knew what she did,then she felt part of a team.
very important for womento feel part of a team, not to feel isolated. second thing is shefelt seen, and that i come in and actuallylook at her. if you're a programmer, anengineer brain, you're a guy, eye contact is notso important for you. but to women, it is. watch women talk, they'llbe looking at each other, whereas guys could be lookingoff or looking down or looking
around, sometimeslooking at each other, but always when there's a point. if you're talkingsocial talk with guys, we have to be looking at afootball game or a computer screen. it was just the othernight, i was at a party with one of my old friendswho was sitting next to me. and my wife issitting over here. actually, it washelen's birthday,
and she's sitting in front. and i'm talking tomartin, his name is, and my wife points outto me 3/4 of the way into the evening,john, you're not looking at martin when you talk. you need to look at him. i said, ok, honey. i looked at martin. he didn't even notice either.
so what i focus on isthe little differences between men and women. it's not like a womancan't do what a man does. it's not that a man can'tdo what a woman does. and it's not that all men andall women fit into these slots so neatly. generally, about10% of men will tend to relate more thefemale examples. 10% of women will relatemore to the male examples.
women often come upto me and say, gee, i feel like i'm from mars. and i say, well,that's conditioning, to a great extent. women today areconditioned to be like men, and there's nosafety to acknowledge feminine aspects of who you are. and part of my messageis to validate that, but not to negate if you'remore on your masculine side.
that's great. that allows you tooften fit into the work world much better. and women will say to meafter they read my book, they say, yeah, i feellike i've become a man to become successful, and i'mvery confused when i get home. it's like i feel split. so i wrote a book, which iscalled "why mars and venus collide" before iwrote this book.
and "why mars andvenus collide" is-- what's happening today is thatwomen go into the workplace. the workplace stimulatescertain hormones. now, that hormone is thehormone is the hormone that gets produced whenyou're solving problems and particularly when youhave a responsibility, and it's all up to you, andyou're solving a problem. now, what hormone would that be? that hormone iscalled testosterone.
it's the emergency hormone. it's the hormone whenyou feel pressured, when you feel a senseof got to go fast. got to get this done. it's up to me. nobody else is going to do it. or you sacrifice becauseit's a difficult thing, but you say, i can handleit, because i'm getting paid, and that's my job.
that's the hormoneonly gets produced. it's testosterone. well, the difference between awoman's body and a man's body is hormonal. these are realphysiological differences. the average maleneeds 30 times more testosterone tobe in a good mood. the number one causeof heart disease in men is a low testosterone.
there's no man that hasa heart attack unless he has low testosterone,high estrogen, estrogen being the feminine hormone. as men get older, they startthinking, i want to quit. that's because faulty diet,lack of exercise, too many estrogens in our environment. what happens isestrogen levels star rising, pushingtestosterone levels down. that is number onecause of heart disease.
as soon as theman retires, which means he doesn't havework, which means, i have to get upand do something. i have to solve problems. a man has one year beforehis first heart attack. this is a statistical fact. so a statistical fact. not every man. but men need to work.
men need to go out thereand solve problems, because solving problemsreleases testosterone, and testosterone a hormonethat lowers stress for men. does testosteronelower stress for women? no. does testosterone beingreleased feel good to women? yes. it feels good. so women can lovetheir testosterone job,
but their stress levelsrise and rise and rise. and this is shownin a study that was done in scandinaviancountries of several hundred thousand women andmen being tested, and they foundthat-- and this is one of the areas whereyou have the greatest equality betweenmen and women-- i get frustrated when i go there,because they call it equality. i call it blindness.
we're all the same,which we're not the same. but at least there'sequal respect for everybody, whichis a good thing. but real equality iswhen you can recognize the differences in thespirit of equality, equal opportunity, equalrespect, regardless of man, woman, culture,race, whatever. so what they found in thisstudy in scandinavia-- huge four-country study-- isthat women in the workplace,
their stress levels weretwice as high as men's. when women came homefrom the workplace, their stress levels werefour times higher than men. these are averages. and that basically means theirhappiness level is dramatically declining. university studies inamerica have repeatedly shown that, in the '70s, women'shappiness level was way up here, and men's was down here.
men has pretty muchstayed the same, and women hasdramatically dropped. so what you get, as womenmove more into the workplace, as an average, theirhappiness goes down. so what's going on there? when i say this, i'mnot saying, oh, women shouldn't be in the workplace. i have three daughters. they all have jobs and careers.
i've supported that completely. but they're happy. their stress levels are low. they're educated to understand--they have two parts. we all have two parts. the masculine sideis solving problems, releasing testosterone. if you're a man, thatwill lower your stress. but what lowersstress for women?
well, this was ahuge breakthrough that happened in 2002 at ucla. they discovered that the hormoneoxytocin, which is generally associated childbirth and femaleorgasm, the hormone oxytocin is the hormone thatactually directly lowers stress for women. and without an abundanceof oxytocin in your body, your brain does not havean off switch, which means when you haveproblems, if a woman's upset,
she's upset for daysand days and days. she's still thinking aboutthis, thinking about this. i was just counseling a couple,and they were in their 80s. and they haven't seenme in about a month, and she brings up an issuethat happened six weeks ago or a month ago. he says, i can't believe she'sstill thinking about this. i said, you don't understand. women don't have an off switch.
they keep going aroundand around and around. now, how many women in thisroom can relate to that? you're not on camera, butyou can relate to that? i'm getting some nods. can i get some arms up? let me just see. they've actually put menand women on computer scans when the sun sets, and whathappens for a man and a woman is very different.
unless there's an emergency,you say to the man and woman, you say, sit down and relax. and you put your brainscans on to measure blood flow in the brain. and for the woman, assoon as she sits down, blood flow increasesto the brain. brain activity increases. you ask her, whatis she thinking? what is she thinking?
she's thinkingabout all the things she needs to do thatshe's not doing it while she's sittinghere on this couch. that's her braingoing like this. you look at the man's brain,blood flow literally stops. it just goes backhere to where he can keep his body temperatureand breathing and so forth. and you ask him, whatare you thinking? and what does he say?
nothing. and if you didn't havethat test, the woman says, you must be thinkingof something. you must be thinkingof something. and this is the difference. and so what's going onthere, which i talked about in "men are from mars" longbefore all this research came about, i just observed it. is that mentypically go to work.
they're solvingproblems all day. they're releasingtestosterone, particularly if a man is successful, whichmeans he feels confident, i know how to solve problems. so if i get in my car, andi'm driving 100 miles an hour, if i feel like i'm in a goodcar, and i'm a good driver, actually my stresslevel goes down. how many men can relate to that? you're doing something whichis extremely dangerous,
by the way. because if you were to letgo of the steering wheel, you would die. or if a deer ran out infront of your car, which you have no controlover, you would die. but your brain,basically, you're producing huge amounts oftestosterone, releasing it, and dopamine. dopamine is thebrain chemical focus,
so you're going right into focuszone because there's danger. so dopamine and testosteronego hand in hand. so your stress levelsare going down. so quite often, i noticedthat if i got in an argument with my wife, or somethingwas stressing me out, i'd want to go fora drive in my car. and i would just drive alittle faster than usual, so i have to look front andbackwards for the police. and i would start to relax.
now, of course, if mywife was in the car, that would raise herstress levels hugely. so there's huge differenceshere in how we cope with stress. that's just one little example. but, typically, whati would see happening, what i still see happening,which a lot of men don't do now, and this ispart of my message to men, is that we would go to work,and we would solve problems, and we'd come home from work,and we'd forget problems.
you have to realize,for thousands of years, hundreds ofthousands of years-- i've gone 18 timesaround the world, been with indigenoustribes around the world, when the sun sets,the men sit around, because their job isin the jungle doing what they do whenthere's sunshine. now they're sittingaround, or they're a guard sitting arounddoing nothing, as well.
so they don't movewhen the sun sets. they actually need to relax. and when they relax, theirbrain, in order to relax, their brain literallyhas the ability to forget stressful messages. so the way men cope withstress is you solve problems, and at the end of the day,you forget your problems. and we have a shut off. we can turn them off.
and when you turn offyour problems, you relax. and when you relax, yourbody rebuilds testosterone. that's how yourebuild testosterone is to do anything awoman would consider to be a complete waste of time. so he'll come home from work. he'll sit around, maybe watchthe news, sit on his computer, do something, play avideo game, anything. and she's going, but we'vegot this, and we've got this,
and we've got this. and there's this. and you forgot this. you're not doing this. and she can'tunderstand why he's not attending to all those things. but he's doing what he has todo to cope with stress, which is to turn off allresponsibilities for a little me time.
and she's going, well, why doeshe get me time, and i don't? because you can't. you should be admiring that. you should be going, iwish i could do that. and, of course, women, youdo subconsciously admire it. this is all the spa magazines,all the upper level gold watch magazines. they always show somebeautiful spa resort place, and a woman issitting in meditation.
and she seems to be sobeatifically calm and peaceful. you have no idea she'sworrying about 50 things. but the illusion is thatshe can turn off her brain and be completelyhappy like that, which is an illusionfor women today. they can't. but what this research in1992 showed is how you can. and you can do it. the hormone that allowsyou to relax is oxytocin.
oxytocin is stimulatedin a variety of ways. i've written wholebooks on oxytocin, how to simulate it,how you lose it, how you get in, and so forth. we'll go a littlebit over it today. and with oxytocin, when awomen is giving love-- ok, if you're nurturing others,if you're caring about others, if you're thinking about others,if you're helping others-- basically, if you're taking careof your kids-- because women,
for thousands andthousands of years, if you go to anindigenous tribe, you'll see the babies arebeing born every year. women are just pregnantmost of the time. they're taking care of the kids. when the sun sets,the men are all sitting around doing nothing,sharpening their tools or whatever, telling stories,or not talking at all. women are completely busy.
they're nonstop action,nonstop busy, busy, busy. but their stress levelsare dramatically low. what is lowering their stress? when you feel you'rein an environment where there's no time pressure. the number one inhibitorof oxytocin production is feeling not enough time. the number one complainti hear from women today is not enough time.
there's too much to do, andthere's not enough time. and when you feel, as a woman,there's not enough time for me to do what i'd liketo do, to do what i enjoy doing-- it's a huge,perplexing thing for men when we see women say, ihave no time for me. he'll take a deep breath andgo, how is that even possible? because if a guy runs out oftime for me, he just takes it. but when a woman isfeeling stressed, your mechanism tolower stress is
to nurture othersand release oxytocin. oxytocin, when you'regiving to other people, caring for others, beingconcerned for others, doing for others-- notnecessarily solving problems-- being in a social relationship,listening to someone, helping them, whatever. it's not so much solvingproblems as nurturing. see, here's the differencebetween nurturing, which is oxytocin-releasing,and problem solving
is testosterone-producing. so my wife is a gardener. when she's plantingher seeds, when she's caring for herseeds, that's nurturing. when the irrigationsystem is broken, and water is spurting up,that's solving a problem. so you see how solving a problemis the illusion that i'll solve it, and it's done forever. and then, of course,they come back.
so men make greatemergency workers. a big problem comes,i'm going to solve it. then you feel like,ah, now i can rest. relax. forget about that. but women are designed tonot forget about things. this is the bigcomplaint men have, is 30 years in-- i'll justdo a funny story here. my wife and i were inthe galapagos islands.
you know, the galapagosturtles live long lives. there's a t-shirtthey're selling there, it's these two oldturtles talking, and the husband's saying tothe female turtle, honey, the affair was 97 years ago. can we let it go? when she's under stress,all of her memories come up. see, this is howwomen cope with stress is talking about what'sstressing you out.
so the memories come up. men cope with stress byforgetting those things. forget it. so a woman's busy talkingabout stressful things, and a man goes, just forget it. don't worry about it. it's not a big deal. just do this and this and this. don't take that exit next time.
and the worst is the man willlisten to you complaining about your job, he'llsay, just quit that job. you can get another job. as if you're going to say,gee, i hadn't thought of that. what a brilliant idea. no wonder i'm married to you. you're so smart. but, see, when a man hears aproblem, he wants to kill it. basically, it's runfrom it or kill it.
solve it. fix it. because that releasestestosterone. then he relaxes. for a woman, testosterone doesnot lower her cortisol levels. it doesn't raise them. it just doesn't lower them. so what lowers stress levelsfor women is oxytocin. ah.
so now when you're in apersonal relationship, and you're nurturing others,you're releasing your oxytocin. your stress levels goes down. but guess what? giving doesn'trebuild your oxytocin. what rebuilds oxytocinso you have it to give is when you feel you'rereceiving support. so, for women, everythingis about reciprocity. it's i give, and i get back.
i give-- if you're my friend,i do something for you, and now you're obligatedto do something back. if we're two girlfriends,and i call you up, with the first thingi'll do is a woman is say, tell me about your kids. or tell me about this. it's like i remembereverything about you, and i ask lots ofquestions, get you talking, and now you owe me fiveminutes of listening.
women can't believe when aguy will talk about himself and then not ask her questions. it's like, how can hejust talk about himself? and he's over here thinking, whydoes she have nothing to say? because women eagerly askquestions to draw somebody out because they so muchvalue being heard. see me, hear me, touch me. all of these thingsare oxytocin producers. so that if you feelseen and heard,
and you feel backedup, if you're part of a team-- andthis is women in tribes. women have alwaysbeen in tribes. you go to indigenous cultures. they're doing everythingtogether, all the time. and there's never anyrushing, by the way. there's a sense of support. it's that you feel that youhave support at all times. it's not like you needthat support all the time.
it's not i like you'rethis needy person. it's just that youalways have backup. and so women, becausetheir instinct is always to be giving, becausegiving releases oxytocin, and you have a rewardssystem to make you feel good. women are busy alwaysgiving, but if it's all women you're working with,all day long, everybody's giving, soeverybody's receiving. and suddenly, you take awomen and put them in hand
with men, who don'tlive in that world. or in a corporate environment,it isn't structured that way. see, the whole difference ofmars world and venus world, we have to blend them together. one is not bad. one's not better. but to make sense of it,you look at the two worlds. in the mars world,the strong survive. the better you are, thebigger result you get.
the harder you work, the smarteryou are, the bigger result. you get paid more. gee, he didn't get paidmuch, but look what you did. you got more. at home, in the personal world,the child who is the sickest gets more. they get more attention. they get more help. they get more support.
and everybody getswhat they need. it's not what you earn,it's what you need. but you don't go into yourboss and say, you know, i really need that job. your chances ofgetting it go down. it's like, i'veearned this role. look what i've done. i do this and this and this. therefore, i shouldget this reward.
these are two differentworlds of thinking that blend together, and thisis the male female relationship, which is a new experimenton planet earth. if you go to any theindigenous tribes-- we're talking thousands andthousands of years of history. go visit in africa, you'llsee two fires at night. women around one,men around another. go to the amazon. i was just in yourgoogle maps area
where you can seethe whole world, and i was going allthese places i've been. go down to the amazon. you'll see, at night,men are sitting around. women are behind awall, and they're all busy with the children andcooking and cleaning and making alcoholic beveragesto give to the men. how do they make thosealcoholic beverages? just little trivia here.
they chew these roots. they masticate them,chew them, and spit them into this bowl with alittle heat under it. and if they go forthree or four days, it becomes very alcoholic. so the men are alljust sitting around. the women come outwith their bowls occasionally and handit to their husbands. and there i am with thechief, so the chief's wife
gave me his bowl. it was this big on--just tasted terrible. that chief, by theway, [inaudible] chief, he was also very proud ofhis seven shrunken heads. they do exist. and through my two translatorsasking him, why do you do that? he says, oh, very clear. i have seven children. i said, well,explain that to me.
he says, well, the jungleonly has so much food, and you can only get so muchfrom your grocery store. and if you're going to bringa child into this world, you have to eliminate somebodyfrom a neighboring tribe. otherwise, there willbe a shortage of food. that was theirsustainability program. i think we've come a long way. it's tribal thinking versusglobal consciousness. now we're movinginto the world where
if i hurt someone outthere, i'm hurting myself. and the history oftribal consciousness is i don't care about them. i care about my children. that's a mafia family. mafia fathers are veryloving to their kids as long as they say yes,but not to anybody else. so this, we're tryingto get out to see, and that's the experienceof the heart opening.
and, ultimately, this happensthrough this great experiment of romance, men andwomen coming together in romantic relationships. you seek out, you find someonethat your heart opens to. and can you keep your heartopen to the same person who's not perfect? say, for the firstthree years, it seems as though they're perfect,and then reality sets in. and reality sets in becausewhen you meet someone new,
and there's sexualattraction, your brain produces massiveamounts of dopamine. how many are familiarwith the term dopamine? that's when you'redriving your car fast. that's when you're reallyfocused on a project. that's when you'regetting a reward. that's when there's danger. that's when there's sex. that's when you're doing--any addictive substances goes
into the nucleusaccumbens, where dopamine produces lots of pleasure. so anything that's pleasurablefor you is producing dopamine. so in the firstthree years, one of the major dopaminesimulators is newness. newness stimulates dopamine. now, what is theopposite of newness? not newness. and what happensafter three years?
it's not new. and then to makethings worse, when you have an argument, whatdoes she generally do? she brings up the past. so there's definitely not new. it's the worst thingcouples can do. and i'm not putting it onher, because she'll start it, but then he'll comeback, and now he'll start going into the past, too.
and now you're bothliving in the past. as soon as you can'tbe in present time, dopamine levels startdecreasing, decreasing, decreasing. all that passion youfelt in the beginning dissipates afterthree years unless you have relationship skills. you have to understandthe software. with so many ofyou into software--
that's how i got into thiswhole relationship thing. i used to work asa programmer back in the days of stanfordresearch institute and cobol. so i used to programthe computers. at a certain point, i realizedi should program people. so i had that veryanalytical perspective that men are like this,women are like this. if we do this, then this. if we do this, then that.
and we can see it predictively. a man comes home-- hedoesn't know anything about men and womendifferences-- he says, hi, honey. and he goes and sitsdown and reads a book. and she's going, is that it? he used to be excited to see me. matter of fact, what she'll doif they're married in a house is he comes home,she'll test them.
she'll go to another partof the house and wonder, does he even miss me? does he care about me? she's playing hide ad seek,venusian hide and seek. i'm hiding, and you'resupposed to find me. so she's going, i could bedead, and he wouldn't even care. and he's from mars-- he hashis own little hide and seek. men come home-- hegoes, she's not around. good.
he just wants to be alone, nointerference, nobody calling on, nobody asking for anything. just give me abreak for a while. so he's playinghide and go seek, but the rules are,don't find me. he doesn't want to be found. she wants to be found. men solve problems to feelbetter and then forget them. the easiest way to solvea problem is forget it.
manana. tomorrow. i don't have todeal with it now. and that's what we'retrying to help you with, but it doesn't work for her. and she'll betalking about things and just blows himout of the water. he goes, oh, my gosh. i'll make $1 million on a book.
we'll be doing a bunchof fun stuff together. i'll come home oneday a week later, and i'll leave a glassout on the counter. and she'll lose itand go, ugh, is it that hard to put yourglass this far over to here and put in the dishwasher? i mean, can't you atleast put it there? and i'm like, what isshe, nuts or something? we're, like, the luckiestpeople in the world.
we're having an argument overa glass, which is right here? how could she do that? but when you understandher world-- and part of the craziness,from my perspective, is two days before,it was a big bunch of all these disheswere everywhere. it was piling up and piling up. it was some partywe had, and nothing had been done for a couple days.
so she had spent muchof the day cleaning up. so it was completely clear--so you have to imagine this. you've been livingwith trash, and women see this 10 times more than men. they actually have morecells in their eyes. they see it. they can't ignore it. guy comes home. he sees his tv set.
that's it. doesn't see anything. she sees everything,and it's hard to relax if it's not in order, organized. so here it is. it's been cleaned up. she spent all daycleaning it up. and from her point,can't there just be a moment where itstays so pretty and nice?
so it just triggered a button. she had an emotional reaction. and when women haveemotional reactions, see, men think that thatemotional reaction is just about the glass. but it's never about just thefirst thing she talks about. that's just the warm up. that's the foreplay for thebig story that's about to come. she's got all kinds ofthings that are bothering her
that have been building up. it's like, for women,it's like the straw that breaks the camel's back. women hold this stress up,this stress up, this stress up. and finally something happens,and it starts to come out. and when it comes out, aguy thinks you're nuts. but here's a way to help, ,again interpret each other correctly. she's not nuts at all.
it's just that shehas a greater need to talk about what'sbothering her. men have a greater need toforget what's bothering them. so our job is toforget about it. her job is to talk about it. so here's a little difference. we come into some physiology. the emotional partof the brain called the limbic system is twiceas big in a woman than a man.
big difference. twice as big. under moderate stress, a womanwill experience eight times more blood flow to theemotional part of the brain. under moderate stress. under extreme stress, a manwill experience that blood flow, but the problem hasto be really big. women will experiencean emotional reaction to small problems.
and so a man misinterpretsher emotional reaction as if she's sayingthe problem is big, and she doesn't knowwhat to do about it. so we're constantly seeingwomen, when they get emotional, it's like, what, shecan't handle that? she's not saying, ican't handle that. she's just having anemotional response to it as a way to let go of stress. and man's way tolet go stress is
to detach, to separatefrom his emotions. and you can seethis in brain scans. the amygdala ina man is wired up to go right to the part ofthe brain-- fight or flight is the amygdala-- intosolving the problem. you know what freuddid-- it totally different from modern therapy. 90% of the people who seemodern therapists are women. why?
it's changed. it's eye contact. it's how do you feel? how do you feel? what else do you feel? what else happened? how does that make you feel? it's all this personalnurturing interaction. freud did none of that.
he had mostly men. you go into a dark roomwhere you had no eye contact. you lie down on a couch,which every man loves to do. he'd sit behind you, and allhe would do is take notes. he'd ask you questions. and you would solve problems. why do you think this? and why you think that? and why do you think this?
he could have just been saying,and what is 23 times 17? and you would have tocalculate these problems. just solving problems andrelaxing lowers a man's stress. it wasn't somebig, magical thing. but for women, it did nothing. so, gradually, itevolved for women. and usually it wasjust very wealthy men they did therapy, becauseonce you're a man, and you have lots ofwealth, you go crazy.
and by crazy, i mean, lookat the "national enquirer" and see all the wealthysuperstar people. they get divorced. they have battles. they take drugs. they're going through rehab. what's going on is that theydon't have to work anymore. these are men whodon't have to work, so they get to dowhat they like to do.
when you do what you like todo, oxytocin gets produced. oxytocin doesn'tlower stress in men. doing anything thatwomen like to do does not lower stress in men. that's why in thebeginning, men are so happy to do things with you. and after a while, they'reready to sit on the couch. and what you'll sayto them things like, hey, what would you like to do?
he'll say, i'd like to justsit here and have you make me dinner. or you might want to goout to dinner tonight, and you say to him,hey, john, would you like to go out todinner tonight? and what does every womaninterpret that to mean? what she's reallysaying is, i'd like to go out to dinner tonight. wouldn't you liketo go out to dinner?
let's go out to dinner tonight. but she doesn't say that. she says, hey,john, would you like to go out to dinner tonight? if he's not initiated intothe venusian language-- which is very convoluted andchanging all the time, depending on hermood-- would you no, i'd rather just stay home. you could make me this dinner.
because he actuallythinks you're asking what he'd like to do. the flip side of this isfriday night comes along. and this is where we havethis experiment of romance. marriage is based upon loveand affection and romance, which is magnificent. i've been marriedto my wife 28 years. to experience passion withsomebody that you know, it's like amiraculous experience.
very few people haveever experienced it. they have to have somebodynew, somebody different. to actually experience passionwith somebody you know. it was like sevenyears into our marriage is when i woke up tohow great my life was. not that i wasn'thaving a good time, but making love with mywife, it was fireworks. it was spectacular. it was one of those timeswhere, afterward, you
just laugh at howfantastic it was. and i said to her,wow, that was as good as it was in the beginning. and she goes, oh,that was better. i said, what do you mean? she says, well, in thebeginning, the sex was great, but you didn't really know me. now, you've seen thebest of me, and you've seen the worst of me, andyou still love and adore me.
that's real love. in the beginning, its aglimpse of what it feels like. it's the brainchemicals of love. but you don't even knowwho you're reacting to. it's mostly fantasy. in order to keepyour heart open, we need to have these advancedcommunication insights. because what do you do? if a guy needs togo to his cave--
one of the big insightsof "men are from mars"-- now it's pretty muchgone into the culture. man cave. he needs his man cave. he goes to his man cave, exceptmen typically don't come out. so i teach women how to bringhim out of the man cave. he's got to havethat, but he also needs a littleincentive to come out. if you say to him, what wouldyou like for dinner tonight,
or what would you like to do? he'll say, justsit in my man cave and continue doing what i'mdoing, as opposed to you have to know what you'dlike, what you want, learning how to ask for support. these are all like new skills. women have never hadto do that in the past. and for thousands andthousands of years in indigenous cultures, womendon't ask men for anything.
they don't even talk to men. men learned a man'srole from his father. women learned to do from mother. that was it. there's very littleconnection and communication. so it's learning to takethe time that we need. and for men, it'soften alone time, and for women, it'sconnection time. if you want to keep theconnection open with a man,
and you want to keephim connected to you, your role is to, in asense, draw him out. and one of the bestmetaphors for this is when i was going toplaces in indigenous india. you go to these temples thatare 5,000-year-old temple, and you'll see allaround the temple, men are sitting in meditation,not the women at the spa. men are all sitting inmeditation, because they can more quickly--it's not automatic,
but a man has the abilityto shut the world out, and that is the mostpowerful way for him to rebuild his testosteroneand regenerate his body. so men are allmeditating at the temple, and women are all dancingaround naked with little bells in their waist. and their job? to get men out of meditation. you're supposed to drawus out of the cave.
their whole mythologyis shiva would meditate 10,000 years or a millionyears or whatever, and his wife has to dancearound him until finally they make love and create the world. but it's the womanthat draws the man out. and women today, they don't evencare about drawing the man out. they just like goingon with their life, and then they misinterprethe's sitting in his cave. what you start to think is,well, he doesn't love me.
he didn't used to goto the cave before. and that's because he had thenewness in the relationship that would produce hugeamounts of dopamine, and then thatproduces testosterone, so he wasn't needingto rebuild it as much. so now you're inthe relationship. he's taking more time away. he doesn't have thatsame attraction to you he had before.
he's starting to pull away. and women go, oh, ihave to get it back. i have to get back. and you run after him,and he runs away more. that was one of the bigthemes in "men are from mars, women are from venus" ismen are like rubber bands. they want to get close toyou, and then they pull out. when they pull out, like arubber band, they stretch. and when it reaches its lengthof how much space do i need,
then he springs back, and hefalls in love with you again. and then he pullsaway-- he misses you-- and he springs back. now, i'm going to go ona trip to china next week or so for three weeks. i haven't been away from my wifein eight years for three weeks. but what i know is i'llhave the best sex of my life when i come home. that other time i was ona tour for three weeks,
and it was the bestsex of my life then. because i have pulled back. and when i pull back, ihave a chance to miss her. i have a chance torebuild my focus on her. i have a chance for mytestosterone levels to rise. and when i come back, itwill just be super stud land. i'm really lookingforward to it much more than how much i'm gettingpaid, which is a lot as well. but that is reallyan exciting thing.
so when men pull away, theyspring back like a rubber band. and then once they're in,the rubber band gets soft. it's just a metaphor for sex. imagine a man justwent in and stayed. you'd be wantingto push him away. he pulls out. he goes in. it's that dance of comingcloser, pulling apart. and that's his role togo in and pull back.
he has the hormones for it. testosterone is thein and out urge. this is testosterone. when women don't understandthe hormonal differences between men, when he pullsaway, what do you do? you run after him. and so if you'rerunning after him, does that rubber bandever get to stretch? and how do you run after him?
i go into all the detailsin the books, but you say, what's the matter? is there something wrong? or let me do something for you. or let's do this together. or what would you like to do? and now you'reconcerned about him. when he pulls away,that's when you have to come back to beingself-sufficient, self-reliant.
i have a life, and you'relucky to be part of it. if you can stand in yourplace without getting insecure and running afterhim, that causes him to want to come back. because, see, men reallyneed women to be happier. we can only get to acertain level of happiness. then we have to be able tomake a woman happy to take us to a higher level. the illusion weall have as men--
we get caught in thistrap-- is that we think we can make her happy. you can't make a woman happy. you can only makea woman happier. you're not responsiblefor her happiness. because in the beginning,all that newness stimulates hugeamounts of dopamine, just like winning thelottery, just like superhero. that's why theycall heroin, heroin.
you get to be a hero andsit down and do nothing. it makes you feel like a hero. a woman makes you feel like ahero, makes you feel fantastic. look what i did. she's so happy. the problem is,when you take credit for all of her happiness,when she's not happy, look what you feel. you feel like you've failed.
you shut down. you get bent out of shape. you get pouty. you get feminine. see, what peopledon't understand is this feminizationof men is when men become allnegative emotions. if you're in yourmasculine side, you have healthy testosterone,you don't get afraid.
you don't get angry. you don't cry unless theproblem is really big, and there's nothing you can doabout it, like grieving a loss. there's places for feelingsbut not in arguments. men used to be taughtthis stuff, how to endure pain withouttalking about it. in initiation foran american indian, they'd stick sticksthrough the breast in front of the wholevillage at 13 years old.
they'd tie ropes to itand slowly raise you. throw the rope over a limb,slowly raise you in the air, and you hang therethe whole day. and you're notallowed to cry out. you have to learn todeal with that pain. you have to containit inside yourself. and now do we needthese initiations today? we have a moreadvanced initiation. try listening to your wifewithout saying anything
for 10 minutes. without reacting back. see, you have tolearn as men how to contain thefemale side of you inside and not becomea female and start whining and complaining back. this destroys marriages. a woman will complain. a man has 10 more back.
he says, i can beat that. i'm a man. i got testosterone. i can do more. and now you get this littletit for tat argument. nobody's taught men today. you don't do that. that's not what men do. what women need mostis to feel heard,
and then a magic trick happens. she feels better, andnothing has changed. this is like a revelation. i have women coming intomy office so unhappy, and when they leave,they're so happy. and after a while,i point out, do you realize that you cometo my office unhappy, and you leave happy,and nothing has changed? nothing has changedin your life.
it's all inside ourselveshow we look at the world. as a couple, men can learnhow to support a woman. women can learn how toreceive that support. that's the whole newdance, is women learning, how do i motivate him togive me the support i need? because he wants to do it,but it's very hard to start. when he goes to hiscave, you misinterpret, thinking, he must not love me. so how can you goand ask for support
to somebody you thinkdoesn't love you? or ask for helparound the house? women need way more help. how can you ask? you look at him witheyes of resentment. aren't you helping? aren't you joining in? why aren't you helping me? well, he needs ajob description,
and he needs to be paid. paid is your happiness. so let's say you needhim to do something. would you move that box? and it's the thirdtime you've asked him. he moves the box,and you glare at him, like, finally you did it. as opposed to, oh,you moved the box. then, next, you're traininghim to do little things
to make you happy. because in a man'smind, big things make you happy,not little things. he's dating you. he's only doing little stuff. and he figures if littlestuff makes you happy, wait until i do the bigstuff like commitment, and marriage, orsharing my income. that's the big stuff.
then i don't need todo the little stuff. but it's the littlestuff that actually generates the oxytocin. so if i give onerose to a woman, she gets a surge of oxytocin. if i give her 24 roses, inmy mind, that's at least 24 surges, right? it's just the same surge. so think of it interms of points.
in a man's mind, i'm givingher 24 roses, 36 roses. that 36 points. that should lastme half the year. it's one point. and why are roses sosymbolic of romance? because they die in a week. you have to keep nurturing it. so once menunderstand this stuff, women are not so complicated.
it's easier to makethe relationship work. but it is an art. it is like learninga new program. it's a new system. and once you learn the newsystem, it's really easy. but when you turnover to a new system, it's really hard for a while. that's what we're goingthrough right now. so we have about 10 minutesfor questions and answers.
i see one right over here. go right ahead. audience: [inaudible]? john gray: ok. so you'd like to know how womensabotage communication at work? because that is probablyone of the things that i write aboutin "work with me." i have 10 minutes totalk, so i'll give you one way women sabotagecommunication at work
is they simply use the phrase,bob, could you do this for me? and bob will say, sure,and then forget to do it. and you'll think,how could he forget? and this is something youexperiment with this week. instead of using,could you do this? can you do this? say, bob, wouldyou do this for me? and you'll see he willremember to do it. it's linguistics.
if you say would, a manfeels he's making a promise. if you say, could you do it? yeah, i could do it. it doesn't even go into thefront part of his brain. it literally doesn't go there. the next one, another way is notgiving enough feedback to a man that you value him. because women just assume thatif you're interacting with him, he must feel valued.
so one of the ways a womancan communicate value to man, that you valuehim-- three phrases. you start doing thisthis week, you'll see a huge difference inthe men you work with. he's talking. when he pauses, say,that makes sense. and just brighten up,like, that makes sense. you'll see. he'll take a double take.
what did i say? somebody acknowledgedi make sense. that makes sense. another one is, with a littlefemale enthusiasm, good idea. you'll see hismood will changed. and at least a couple timesa week, go, brilliant. he says, yes, yes. what else can i do for you? now, i know the flip side ofthis-- how do men sabotage?
well, i'll do acouple on men, which is how men could sabotagerelationships in the workplace. same thing at home, whichis, ask more questions. whenever you think you're readyto give a solution or a point of view, ask another question. if you show interest ina woman's point of view, you start buildinga bond of trust, as opposed to justbeing interested in solving the problem.
men are just interestedin solving the problem. but if you can justask another question, it take your interestinto her point of view if a man can askthat extra question. here is the next one, as amale manager, particularly, but working on ateam with women. when there's a problem, and awoman's presenting the problem, don't immediately give whatyou think is the answer. instead, pause, andsay to her, and what
do you think weshould do about this? and listen to her answer. because so much ofthe time, men just-- if you talk about aproblem, men jump in there with 30 times moretestosterone, which gives you faster reaction time. i got the answer! i'll solve that problem. and he doesn't realize thatyou have the answer, too.
so you're sabotagingyour success by not letting him knowyou have an answer-- that would be another topic onhow women sabotage-- but men sabotage building trustand a sense of cooperation when they're working with womenby jumping in with solutions, rather than asking afew questions first. but, for men, it's likeplaying basketball. i want to grab the balland dunk it myself. women are all, ona certain level,
let's all take turns, andlet's all take credit together. we're a team. we did it all ourselves. and a man's overhere, but i did this. anyway, a lot on that. that's from thebook "work with me." well, i'm askingthe question where you hear i mentioned ihad a study of 100,000 men and women that wetook their evidence
right from the book, which isanother one of the blind spots was the number onecomplaint women have-- we asked this question, itjust happened to be the highest one-- is, do you experiencethat men listen to you? and over 70% of womensaid men don't listen. they asked the men, domen listen to women? and 90% of the mensaid, of course. so in his world, he'slistening, but in her world, she doesn't feel heard.
that's a gap. and, yes, we've donethe research on that. i did that bookjust because people would say what you just said. well, where's yourresearch on this? i probably talked to morepeople about relationships than anybody in history,than the whole planet history of the world. that's all i dois talk to people
about relationship experiences. not in a scientific studywith 18 men and women, with thousands of people, with50 people, again and again and again. and what i see is these themes. but i wrote thatbook just so people who like to look at the digitscould actually see the digits and how many women truly see theworld through different eyes. but i appreciate the comment.
it's a force thatwe have to overcome, because there's ahuge force which wants to say we shouldall be the same. we should all think the same. we should all react the same. and if we can alljust become one, then the world willbe a better place. it will be fairer for people. it'll be fairer for people.
we'll be able toappreciate our differences, appreciate ourdifferent strengths, and create room forpeople to be different. that is what will makethis world a better place. yeah, women have a lot moreadrenaline going on than men. what happens withadrenaline is adrenaline is produced from dopamine. so i'll give you anexample you can relate to. as a man, you're driving acar around 80 miles an hour,
you feel very relaxed, right? easy going. and then you hit it up-- there'sa certain point between 80 and 120 where most men willstart to feel the adrenaline. it's like, rrrr. there's like thisrrrr energy inside. that's the shifting of dopamine,which you're confident, you're capable, you're online. that's dopamine.
lots of testosteronebeing produced. now your concernsstart to increase. that a dropping of yourserotonin, your optimism. you're starting to thinkof what could go wrong. that's serotonin dropping. so when your serotoninlevels start to drop, your dopamine convertsinto adrenaline. and adrenaline gives you evenmore ability to react fast, so you get spikes intestosterone at that point,
maybe 10 times more. but then youdeplete, so then you need more recoverytime afterwards. and this is all about howmuch adrenaline gets produced. for women, yourvulnerability in your brain is that because your limbicsystem is so much more active than men's,you tend to run out of serotonin muchfaster than men. this is why womenhave depression
four times more than men. they run out of serotoninfaster under moderate stress as opposed to men. canadian researchshows that men actually make serotonin 50%more efficiently. that's because wehave more muscle mass. men store 50% more of residueserotonin, which is probably an evolutionary development,because you're in danger. your life is indanger, and you have
to stay cool,calm, and collected to prevent your dopamine fromconverting into adrenaline. but adrenaline, particularly,once you feel adrenalin, as a man, you really need tophysically move your body. if you don't burnthe adrenalin off through physical movement ofthe muscles, then what occurs is cortisol levelswill start to rise. and cortisol levels don'tgo away very quickly. adrenaline canburn off like that.
but once your cortisol levelsrise, it's sort of a slow rise, and it stays in there. it's the worst thingfor your health. cortisol inhibits digestion,inhibits your immune system, inhibits your detoxificationsystem, causes brain injury. all those thingsare directly related to chronically elevatedcortisol levels. and this is the world that'shappening for women today. so women's health issuesare dropping down.
more women have heartattacks than men today. and this can allbe remedied-- not by saying women should be home. it's by saying women should havea balanced personal life where they schedule theirlives so that they're doing their testosteronestimulating activities balanced by personal, fulfilling, homeexperiences in a personal life to balance the work life. and it's understandingall those dynamics
of what createsoxytocin in your body because our world has becomeway too testosterone oriented. and ultimately, for men, love isvery important to men, as well. and if he comes home, anda woman can't be loving, then you get a man whodoesn't come out of his cave. so there's a hugebalance and upset. so many of the problemswe experience today with all of the mass shootingsand all that stuff that's going on.
we see the kids goingand shooting people. these kids are alwayson antidepressants or antipsychotics. they're always on drugs. since we started usingdrugs for mental illness, there's now, since 1980, 35times more mental illness in america. 35 times more. people, once they start takingmedications, don't go off.
they do not heal the brain. they change the brain, andthe brain-- the problem goes worse and worse. that whole story is writtenin my most recent book, which you can all get afree-- for right now-- free pre-publicationcopy, just doing a free downloadat marsvenus.com. it's called the "mars venuswellness solution for focus," so focus is-- thechallenge for our children
today is one out of fiveboys with adhd being drugged. and what parentsdon't realize is adhd drugs cause stuntedgrowth for young children. they cause heart disease. some of them are againstthe law in canada, because actually you getheart attacks from it. but long beforeheart attacks, you're getting arteriosclerosis. it also causesbrain changes that
don't disappear as teenagersbut just turn into addictions to caffeine, addictionsto internet porn, and the inability to committo a long-term relationship. these are all the more adultstages of add and adhd. and in the new book, imap at every stage of life how, when we getadhd as children, and what causesit-- which they all say we don't know-- we do know. it's all there inall the literature.
i just quote pubmed againand again, all the causes of adhd, the rampantimbalance today. and as we move throughstages of life, people don't recognizeas your brain develops, adhd turns into something else. one of the consistentingredients that goes along with adhd in an autisticchild, asperger's child, adhd child is dramatically lowglutathione levels in the body. glutathione protects thebrain from brain energy
or free radical damage. in all those cases, dramaticallylow glutathione levels. every person who has dementiaand alzheimer's-- it is now predicted that one out ofthree people over 70 will have dementia and alzheimer's. my younger sisterhas alzheimer's. my older brother hasdementia and early stages of alzheimer's. this is becoming anotherrampant epidemic in america.
the cause is so clear. they keep saying wedon't know the cause. go right to thephysiology, and you'll find that-- i can't gointo all the causes. that's a whole other book--but i talk about the causes. i talk about the remedies,natural remedies. but natural remediesdon't work if you don't eliminate the causes. say you have aheadache, and i actually
have a natural pill that willtake away your headache-- which i don't, by the way--but if i had a pill to give you to takeaway your headache, but you keep hitting yourselfin the head with a hammer, will that pill work? but for people thatdon't hit themselves in the head with ahammer, it will work. well, there are 10,000 studieson natural solutions for add and adhd all over the place.
they just don'twork all the time, as drugs don't work,because people don't know, how am i creating this everyday by my lifestyle choices and decisions? so, anyway, more on thatsubject is at marsvenus.com. just get a freedownload of the book. for now, it's free. soon it will be on amazon. you can order it and buyit, but it's an easy read.
and, particularly, as a techie,for some techie guys here-- because they don't realize thatthey have huge amounts of add, because they think, ihave no problem focusing. i can focus on mycomputer for 10 hours. and i remember talking to oneof the world's experts on adhd, and i looked at him, and isaid, you know, you have adhd. he said, that's ridiculous. i have total focus. i'm so focused, mywife can talk to me,
and i don't hear aword she says while i'm thinking about something. that's also adhd. that's a problemwith attention where you can't shiftyour attention here, but you become overlyfocused on one thing. and i'll finishedmy talk by talking about how add is creatinghuge problems in relationships today, is that it causesmen to become hyperfocused
on one thing. in the beginning, they canbe hyperfocused on her, but once the newnessgoes away, he becomes hyperfocusedon his work, and he doesn't take the timeto rebuild his testosterone. the average for a man at 50 hashalf the testosterone levels he had as a younger man. i have 25% more. and i know exactly how i did it.
i explain it in my books, soi'll live a long, healthy life. this is why men die, istheir testosterone levels start dropping. dopamine levels drop. but, anyway, focus-- for men,they become hyperfocused. and for women, they becomehyperfocused on the things that would, theoretically, releaseoxytocin-- other people's needs. so they're overwhelmed.
so overwhelm, the adult symptomof adhd, is so common in women, it's unbelievable. it's like, i haveno time for me. i have to do thisfor this person. who says? it's your brain takingon more than you can do. this is adhd. and it can be corrected. these are simple solutionsfor all these things.
i have people writingit to me, it's like, my child is nowtaking your vitamin c and grapeseed extractthat you recommended, and he suddenly changed. and he says, daddy, i like thisso much more than the medicine. this makes me feel so good. just simple anti-inflammatoriesfor the brain rather than taking a drugthat does not cure anything, nor do they claimto cure anything.
it only creates more of thesame problem that caused adhd in the first place, verysimilar to any drug addiction.
anyway, you've been a greataudience here at google. thanks for inviting me,and thanks for the great work that you do. appreciate it.